Tuesday, 11 August 2015

Kathryn's Inbox Exclusive: Would-be Robber Traumatised by Appalling Customer Service Experience

NOWHERESVILLE, AUSTRALIA--A would-be burglar sent his local bank a very strongly worded letter of complaint this week, after his attempts to break inside the bank were foiled by staff. At 4.31pm last Friday, Frederik Fredrikson attempted to force his way inside the Rich Bastard's Bank as staff were closing for the day. His attempts were soon foiled, however, when a savvy staff member noticed Fredrikson outside, clad in a motorcycle helmet and clutching a gun. The staff member then activated the banks security system. Police were immediately dispatched to the bank and Fredrikson was arrested.

"I felt the bank's customer service was appalling," Fredrikson told one of our reporters from his current residence, the Nowheresville Remand Centre. "I'd gone to the bank with the intention of sticking a gun in the face of someone who worked there and potentially causing them years of psychological harm, along with being allowed to take a considerable sum of cash that I did not earn, and that does not belong to me. As a bank robber, that is my right. I wrote the bank a very strongly worded letter, asking that the bank teller responsible be given a very stern talking to."

When our reporter questioned Fredrikson on whether he understood that robbing banks was against the law, she was offered a look of blank incomprehension, which was followed by a shout of, "You can't talk to me like that. Your public relations are appalling! I'm going to get you fired!"

Fredrikson was then removed to his cell by staff at the remand centre. Fredrikson is also considering writing a strongly worded letter to the police, condemning them for arresting him.